Can we change the subject, please?

One of the hardest conversations to have as a couple, is one about our sex life. Yet lovemaking is central to the Sacrament of Matrimony and is crucial to the flourishing of our relationship. 

There are couples in every one of our communities who have never once had an honest conversation about their sex life.  

Not because they don’t love each other. Not because they’re indifferent to their faith. But because it’s an uncomfortable conversation to have – one that needs sensitivity, vulnerability and a very safe space. 

This is not speculation. It is what Catholic therapists, marriage educators and clergy from around the country reported at a recent roundtable discussion with visiting experts, Mike and Alicia Hernon (Messy Family Project). 

Amongst several other topics, we spent considerable time wrestling with the question of sexual intimacy in Catholic marriage. What was noteworthy was that sexual difficulties in marriage were not primarily an issue of moral laxity.  

Rather it was perceived principally as a problem of silence, shame, and a formation vacuum that the secular world has been filling in our absence. 

The wound beneath the surface 

Marriage has a way of surfacing wounds that were invisible beforehand. A history of trauma or childhood hurt. The silent effects of early pornography exposure. Deep shame around the body, inherited from family, culture, school or peers.  

These things do not disappear on the wedding night – they enter the marital bed with each spouse, and sooner or later demand attention. 

World renowned therapist, David Schnarch PhD, was a pioneer in integrating sexual and marital therapy. Often seen as separate issues, he maintained that the marital bed is like a crucible in which everything else happening in the lives of the spouses is intensified. 

With almost four decades of marriage and over three decades of marriage ministry behind us – we absolutely agree. Work stress, unresolved arguments, busy-induced disconnection, childhood wounds, and myriad other factors – they all impact how we show up for each other in our lovemaking. 

And we’re not alone in this assessment. A scan of the research on the prevalence of sexual dysfunction in any given year comes in at 40-51% of adults, though numbers vary depending on how the study defines the term.  

From the stories of our colleagues, we’d suggest that every couple, at some point in their marriage, will contend with some form of sexual difficulty. That’s a given. The real issue is: how do couples handle it when it happens? 

The hardest conversation 

Openly sharing our needs, desires and sexual response during love making is not a conversation a couple has regularly or easily. Emotions of shame, confusion, terror, frustration and more can be very intense. 

Finding the right time, and with enough uninterrupted time to complete it, is hard, especially with children present. It’s one conversation that needs a bit a space around it for all the concerns to be aired and resolved. 

Harder still is getting both spouses in the right head space. They need to be vulnerable about their experience and willing to stay present – even when what is shared is distressing.  

Sharing honestly and respectfully without triggering the other’s defensiveness is both a science and art. If their communication skills are poorly developed or they have a history of failed attempts, a couple may opt to suffer in silence and isolation.  

Or if they do reach out for support, they often struggle to find a trustworthy source that respects their Catholic beliefs.  

We know that God’s plan for marriage includes a fulfilling sex life, but most couples need support and formation in how to have that tender conversation. 

In all of this, we wonder how we, as a community of faith, can do better for couples struggling or stuck in this area. Perhaps it’s another uncomfortable conversation we need to have.