When Love Feels Impossible: Choose It Anyway
It’s at this crossroad that we have a choice – protest the situation or lean into our vows and choose love.
This was the theme of the opening talk by a priest at a recent marriage seminar. He began by suggesting that he knew little about the challenges of married life. None-the-less, he held the fifty couples present spell-bound for an hour.
Running on Empty
He shared how he began his priestly ministry with great enthusiasm and was having a global impact through his public presentations. His witness was bringing people to faith, and he generously responded to invitations to address various groups.
And then he burnt out. After years on the road, he was exhausted and began suffering anxiety attacks. Spiritually barren, he questioned if he had made a mistake about his priesthood.
Around the same time, the invitations to speak evaporated as the 2020 pandemic lockdowns began, allowing him a measure of rest. Despite his ongoing crisis of faith and feeling empty, he continued to show up for his parish and his online followers.
When he decided to live-stream Mass from his kitchen table, his social media ministry became a lifeline to thousands.
Coincidently, we were among that group to join him online during those dark days. We knew nothing of his inner turmoil – he poured himself out, feeding us with wisdom and hope in the absence of holy communion.
Showing up Anyway
Week after week, he continued to show up for his people – for his bride – even though he was utterly spent. He chose to act on his conviction to love, not the feelings of love – which were long gone.
For the couples at the seminar, his message was convicting. His priesthood is, after all, not so different from marriage – both are covenant relationships.
His testimony led us to reflect: How often had we justified our withdrawal from our spouse because we felt disconnected? Withheld affection because the other didn’t reciprocate it?
In dark days, had we all not also questioned our vocation?
Maybe our spouse was emotionally distant, unresponsive or so wounded that all our attempts to connect were ignored or rebuffed. Perhaps our spouse was mentally ill or ensnared by an addiction and unable to meet us in a peer relationship.
That coldness in marriage is very real, and it erodes our trust foundation. When prolonged, can leave us anxious about our relationship and emotionally malnourished.
Taking the Leap in Faith and in Love
Our speaker finished his testimony with a parable about an eagle chick safe in the nest perched high on a cliff. Without warning, his mother pushes him out and he falls, tumbling towards the ground far below.
Just before impact, his mother swoops in and carries him back to the nest. Bewildered, he wonders why his mother would do such a thing, when again, she pushes him out!
As he tumbles downward, frantically flapping his wings, he discovers how to fly – and how to survive and fulfil his purpose (ref Is 40:31). The analogy was powerful.
Knowing the intimacy for which we are created, our heavenly Father watches closely as we struggle in our marriage. Although painful and confusing, these times are an invitation to trust in God, to seek his grace, and with him keep showing up in love.
The gospels record Jesus instructing his disciples to love our enemies – to do good expecting nothing in return (Lk 6:27). If we can love a stranger who wronged us, how much more should we love the one to whom we promised our life?
